Most of you don't know, but I was about 7 weeks pregnant and last Tuesday night we began to lose our little unborn babe. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have life growing within you and then all of a sudden it's gone. I now feel exhausted and weak both physically and emotionally, but at the same time some measure of peace is in my heart. When we found out I was pregnant, we were thrilled that the timing had worked out so perfectly - having a baby in the summer meant that we would be able to give birth in Canada, which we thought would be easiest in many ways. It seems tragic, but already I have learned so many things and seen God provide for us in ways that I never thought possible when we first moved here. Our friends here have loved us, cared for Liam, provided us meals, cried with me and showed me that the Lord sits and cries with me too. Jesus is near, he is close to the broken hearted and now I know that firsthand.
I do wish that I never had to go through this. I wish that I could have given birth to a new healthy baby in the summer and held that little one in my arms and smelled their baby smell. I hoped for a sibling for Liam. But the truth is life is not mine, the Lord who began this life within me knew that it would not be a long life. "You saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." Life is truly so fragile and such a gift.
Liam has told me numerous times that he "will take care of me and keep me safe" and that he "promises God will give us another baby". This has been tough on him too, he tells me often that he is sad about it. He waited up till midnight for me when went to the hospital worried about the baby. He is such a sensitive little soul. I'm not sure how I would have gone through this week without my little boy to hold and snuggle.
My heart aches inside knowing that there was life growing inside me and its gone. A lady at the park yesterday asked me if I wanted more children. I sat for a while thinking about how to answer her. I'm just trying to figure out how to keep going, as the days don't stop and dinner needs to be made, houses need to be cleaned and people need to be cared for. My dependence on God has grown in the last week because I would wake up in the morning and not know how to get through the day. I pray this dependence continues.
My comfort and my hope is in the Lord. Choosing to worship Him when I don't feel like it, when my heart is breaking. Holding on to who I know God is. A good God, merciful and kind, who gave me Jesus, his own son.
"In the day of trouble I call upon you, for you answer me."
Dana
xo
I wanted to share this song. I just keep playing it and remember God's kindness. Can't put it on my playlist for some reason.
