Monday, November 2, 2009

What to say?


I've been agonizing over what to write for a while now. I think I've realized that I just want to and in some way need to be honest in order to move forward. It's part of my story, part of my journey now, part of who I am and how I have been changed.  No need to hide and just put up cute pics of sweet Liam.

Most of you don't know, but I was about 7 weeks pregnant and last Tuesday night we began to lose our little unborn babe. It's hard to describe what it feels like to have life growing within you and then all of a sudden it's gone.  I now feel exhausted and weak both physically and emotionally, but at the same time some measure of peace is in my heart.  When we found out I was pregnant, we were thrilled that the timing had worked out so perfectly - having a baby in the summer meant that we would be able to give birth in Canada, which we thought would be easiest in many ways. It seems tragic, but already I have learned so many things and seen God provide for us in ways that I never thought possible when we first moved here. Our friends here have loved us, cared for Liam, provided us meals, cried with me and showed me that the Lord sits and cries with me too. Jesus is near, he is close to the broken hearted and now I know that firsthand. 

I do wish that I never had to go through this. I wish that I could have given birth to a new healthy baby in the summer and held that little one in my arms and smelled their baby smell. I hoped for a sibling for Liam. But the truth is life is not mine, the Lord who began this life within me knew that it would not be a long life. "You saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there were none of them." Life is truly so fragile and such a gift. 

 Liam has told me numerous times that he "will take care of me and keep me safe" and that he "promises God will give us another baby". This has been tough on him too, he tells me often that he is sad about it. He waited up till midnight for me when went to the hospital worried about the baby.  He is such a sensitive little soul.  I'm not sure how I would have gone through this week without my little boy to hold and snuggle.  

My heart aches inside knowing that there was life growing inside me and its gone. A lady at the park yesterday asked me if I wanted more children. I sat for a while thinking about how to answer her.  I'm just trying to figure out how to keep going, as the days don't stop and dinner needs to be made, houses need to be cleaned and people need to be cared for. My dependence on God has grown in the last week because I would wake up in the morning and not know how to get through the day. I pray this dependence continues.  

My comfort and my hope is in the Lord. Choosing to worship Him when I don't feel like it, when my heart is breaking. Holding on to who I know God is. A good God, merciful and kind, who gave me Jesus, his own son. 

"In the day of trouble I call upon you, for you answer me."


I wanted to share this song.  I just keep playing it and remember God's kindness. Can't put it on my playlist for some reason.


  1. Oh Dana

    I am so sorry for your loss, I couldn't even begin to imagine what that would feel like.
    I do know that your little man is such an amazing young man, and that is because of you. He is strong for you, because you have been strong for him. So because of this I know you are going to make it through this, although super tough I know it will be. You are an amazing mommy, and wonderful Wife. You have such great things in your life right now to pull you through each and every day. Your family loves you and is always there for you no matter what obstacles stand in your path. You have a beautiful soul, and a wonderful,caring heart. We are all hear for you, in any capacity you need. Even if for right now it is just to lend an ear.
    Thinking of you always,

  2. Dana....You are a woman of God! You are one who knows the heart of God, and God has given you the wonderful gift of being able to express your thoughts, your heart and hurts in a way that allows us to see and trust the greatness of the One and Only who gives life.
    Everyone in the family suffers for you and for the loss and yet like you we too trust in the providence and goodness of God and His ways when we do not understand.

    You are the treasured daughter that I hoped and longed for. I am so incredibly proud of you and love you more than you can ever know.

    Thank you for the eloquent way in which you wrote about your loss and the peace that God has given in this time.

    What an honour and privilege to be your Mom!

    Now to be happy, can't wait to hold you and Liam in my arms this afternoon.

  3. Hi babe,

    I loved what you wrote. It was so honest and beautiful. Like you.

    I love you.


  4. Aw Danes, that is very sad news. You can never predict the path that a pregnancy will follow and each little life is a precious gift, no matter how short it might be. :)

    It was around this time last year we lost our first, sometimes it is hard to think about, but you have your precious little Liam to hold and I am thankful (everyday) for the little person I will have to hold very soon.

    This is another phase of life that will pass and I truly believe that we are never given more than we can handle. Take care of yourself, cuddle your boys, and take the time you need to heal.

    Looking forward to seeing you at Christmas (not far away now). The New Year will be full of possibilities and opportunities for you. Sometimes we cannot see the blessings behind God's timing until later on down the line.

    Love Ally xox

  5. Day,
    I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your pain, but I'm happy you have B and Liam, and all your friends down there to support you.

    You're a beautiful writer and your honesty is inspirational. I'm thinking of you and your family


  6. Dana, That's horrible but I'm so encouraged that you are leaning on God in this time. His peace is the only thing that will get us through.
    God is Sovereign and his timing is perfect, He has something great planned for you and your family. Trust in Him!
    Love you and cry with you.
    Lori Misener

  7. I am so so sorry to hear this news. So sad for you. I will pray that Jesus will bind up your broken heart. What a blessing that you have Liam to snuggle in the sad times, he is such a sweetheart.

  8. pointing everyone to Him Dana, and bringing Him glory, even in the midst of pain. thank you. love you.

  9. Dana, I love you so much and my heart hurts for you. But we have hope in Christ and nothing can separate us from His love.

    "For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."

  10. Beautiful girl, my heart is with you.
    S x


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